We have all gotten them. It may not have been this year, or a year ago, but somewhere in our past we have gotten a sucky gift. Could have been a birthday, Christmas, anniversary, you name it. No one really wants to talk about this during the holidays because it seems very anti-holiday spirit. But there it is. Sucky gifts, well...suck.
Now I know "it's the thought that counts" and all that other blah blah blah. But if you get a truly sucky gift, then what kind of thought goes into that? A sweater that is two sizes too small and has pink zig zags on it. A coffee mug that says "World's Greatest Mom" when you are not a mom? Or even female? Perhaps its getting a large selection of fine sausages from Hilshire Farm...and you are a vegetarian. I could go on and on, but you know, dear reader, you have already flashed back to when you opened that suckfest of a gift and had to put on that fake smile and little laugh and say "hey, thanks, (insert gift giver's name here) for this...uh...gift." What you really want to say is "Hey thanks douschbag for regifting this piece of crap to me."
Though I can't figure out what is worse. When you get a sucky gift and the person who gave it to you knows it is sucky, or the person really thinks its a great gift. Distant relatives and dumbass husbands are prime offenders of the second category. I don't think anyone would challenge that Ralphie from A Christmas Story got THE suckiest suck gift of all time. You wear a pink bunny outfit and then tell me you had a worse gift.
Then there are gifts that are not sucky themselves, but the timing is really bad. Once, when I was probably about 5 or 6, my folks got me this really cool stocking to hang for Christmas. It was huge with cool designs and had bells on it and everything. The only thing is, they put it in a box and wrapped it up and put it under the tree. So I opened it on Christmas morning and there was the stocking. All by itself. Which meant I had to wait 365 more days to use it. What?? Or getting a snowboard for your birthday...in July. Hey, thanks for that.
And I don't care what people say, if you are below the age of a teenager, clothing of ANY kind as a holiday gift is a sucky gift. Period.
Finally there is the "close but no banana" category of sucky gifts. Gifts that were almost really cool, but turned out sucky anyway. You get a brand new videogame...about the stock market. You get a new piece of jewelery...that weighs twenty pounds and is ugly as sin. You get tickets to that broadway play you have always wanted to see...and it's for last week. That girl you have been chasing all year finally lets you see her naked, and she's a dude.
Um, forget about that last one. Probably not a good example. And that never happened to me either.
So ladies and gentlemen, my weekly plea this week is very simple: when giving someone a gift, ask yourself "is this a sucky gift?" If you even have to ask this question, chances are it might be. The only time you are allowed to give said sucky gift is when you are returning the favor from when they gave you a sucky gift first. The cycle of sucky gifts can go on forever like that you know.
Be smart, gift smart, and we all win out in the end.
Comments? Feedback? Join in on the Bitching?
Email irishboon@aol.com and I will post all comments the following week.
Share your worst gift stories with us!
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I have no idea what this is. Seriously.
I can't believe zebras gave their lives for this sucky gift.
This might be the crown jewel of sucky gifts
This is the gift that keeps on giving Clark.
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